A-Final-Letter-to-Peter1

A Final Letter to Peter

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This has consequences that are technical in nature (much more about chemistry is technical than "at choice" than HAI likes to teach). So you will be hit with a tidal wave of your own dis-owned energy, rather than a river of refreshing life. It's common sense and a miracle I have not burned out with the load dumped on me by you and every facilitator. You will either learn to respect this energy, which is a bigger part of you than your own stupidity, or you will burn out by it's charge fighting a bigger part of yourself than you are. That choice is yours: the ego can partner with the ocean on the dinghy of life or it can go to war and lose every time. The larger self will not stop pushing for the patterns of resonance that balance the disease any more than the ocean will hold a wave so that you have a few more years to be an idiot.

Partner or die, and destroy all you hold dear. That seems to be the only choice when this kind of energy is in play. You asked for it violently - insisting on a high dose against your client's wishes. Then you ducked out like most dead-beat dads. Now it's coming for you. Will you abandon those you love and try and outrun a tidal wave? Or will you engage, bringing balance to the system by healing your own wounds and taking 100% ownership of the pattern. It just takes three people to ground and hold this energy constructively- and a community with the sense to support them to bring in a resonance HAI has not known, and but which can take HAI to a 10X level. You don't see it. You are too arrogant. Anne does not see it. But I do. I'm moving much of it over to my own non-profit with a 20 year plan, but it is available when you shift from your martyrdom to true humility and grace on the other side of your addiction to looking good and avoiding your dark and light shadow.

That is frankly very unlikely given the amount of ego we all have. But it is important to honor the fact that HAI has the same 5% probability of coming out of this transformed as I had when I told you that the probability field you all were creating for me gave me 5% odds of emerging as a great teacher and 10% odds of dying in suicide and many other negative odds. You actually cared enough in that moment to bend every so slightly, giving me 7% odds of learning and growing through this mess of overwhelming energy. You offered yourself a seed of hope in that moment, by giving it to me. Yet my odds are now 30% of coming out with some real capacity to be of service in a meaningful way. I'm doing this mostly on my own, as you sit refusing to give that which could help you and the community most: The public apology, the refund, the tears, the commitment to be a king, and stop behaving like the angry teenager which drags me down to that same level (yes, it's your fault and you cannot negate the impact of all of you in your roles ganging up on me to perpetuate lies at the most vulnerable moment of my adult life rather than being the midwives to a birthing process that brings new life into HAI and your work). When you set up a 93% probability feild of failure 93 out of every 100 people will fail to traverse your obstacle course of deception. It is absurd to try and get more people to win in a 93% failure field. What is intelligent is to change the environment, by shifting the values, agendas, priorities and protocols to one where 99% of every 100 American men going through your protocols would come out in healthy, sustainable relationships with more innocence and trust then when they began. That's a world where you are doing your job right.

99% of the personas cultivated by this culture can deny all of this and will run in fear. But there is always 1% or .5% of us who can choose to see if we are willing to give up the ego agendas to maintain the status quo by blocking everything foreign that we cannot control.

This has led me to explore and determine how to fight "Evil" as a felt experience for the first time in my life:

I enjoy learning what language can teach us, and as I have my first experience of conscious devolution that I would call "evil" a clue seems to lie in the fact that it is a reversal of the word "live." HAI has never bothered to define love - a massive oversight when teaching - so I have come up with three versions of mature love (differentiating it from "I need, I lust, I project, I desire" which are the less mature forms of love).

The first is from Abraham Maslow's observation that every healthy human being has a hierarchy of needs:

1) Survival: Food, shelter, warmth,

2) Security that physical survival is certain.

3) Love and belonging: Experiencing that who one identifies with is welcome and that energy is coming towards one in the language one prefers, feels safe with and enjoys.

4) Self Esteem: I feel good about who I am, who I am becoming and like myself.

5) Self Expression and Actualization.

Effective love will help one amplify and secure each of these human needs. Which brings me to the first expression of evil. You took my money, time, trust, innocence, kindness and goodness to influence me towards a path that damaged each of these human needs, along with the HAI power structure:

By introducing me to trauma through a boundary dissolving psychedelic journey without teaching or asking anything about trauma, you have left me caught in various fight/freeze/flight modes in a two hundred million year old area of my brain, designed to keep reptiles alive in a sociopathic environment.

By systematically behaving in a way that decreased my sense of honor and safety and betraying trust, you rejected my feminine self to such a degree that she could not cope.

By lying, avoiding and withdrawing you reduced all sense of love/belonging and created loneliness by pretending that this was "love."

By threatening me with your shame and anger and hatred and blame you further induced loneliness and isolation.

When my body collapsed and money began hemorrhaging out, only to be told that "this was not a HAI issue" your peers denied me honor, dignity, the ability to trust and feel loved or belonging.

In poor health I had no sense of security in my survival.

When I got in near-traffic accidents I realized I could not count on survival.

When you denied all my requests for love because I needed it I had no choice but to become more manipulative, damaging my self-esteem.

Your needs to keep your shame secret began curbing my creativity. As leaders of the community you held the strings to my ability to connect and you manipulated me with that string into silence, destroying my ability to use a key articulating talent to help heal your diseases.

When you cut off my e-mail accounts without even giving me the courtesy of telling me why or when you told me you were insane and unsafe, but asked me to go insane by telling me that you loved me and were "undefended."

You took my trust, money, time, innocence and needs and turned them against my healthy survival coping strategies, turning me into an enemy that you fear because you cannot face the parts of you who behave this was in a professional capacity. This is evil. You also bring about the necessity of what you fear most: A court case.

It is a reality that I have unfortunately been born into a culture with a 15 minute attention span. It is also a psychologically and emotionally illiterate culture. Having first been abused by my parents between the perfect facade of new-age progressiveness, I have been told all my life that the childhood I experienced made me lucky. I was suicidal by age fourteen, loathed myself for re-enacting my parents abuses on my younger siblings by the age of five and disgusted with a world that actively shamed me for speaking the truth about their many abuses. Enter Peter Sandhill who shows sexual interest in our first session, wants to explore an open marriage, wants me to do drugs I'm terrified and tells me how much he loves me. No one at HAI can see the abuse in this because HAI is not in touch with the reality of sexual abuse any more than my parents were in touch with the reality of a child's experience of love. I felt no security, safety or belonging because when volitile, narcissistic and raging parents need their version of reality to exist more than my felt experience I am and was completely invisible in a culture that calls that "normal." Now enter a psychedelic experience in which 80% of the time you use your influence you steer me away from what is healthy and what I need towards what supports your fucked up version of container and therapy, which does not even include telling your wife and colleague what you are doing because you know she won't stand for it, and thus making me the enemy of your marriage and wife AGAIN.

Loneliness has been the biggest burden of my entire life, bolstered by the new age obsession with being "positive" about everything. A child is in pain? No problem: "What is the lesson you learned from this pain?" A child is enraged at being abused? No problem. Let's look on the bright side at all the wonderful things about your parents that make you so lucky. You feel hurt that I lied to you? No problem. You should feel good because many children don't have parents as good as us. This facade of spiritual blackmail, compounded by channels who told a teenage boy that it was his beliefs that were creating his reality and asking a child to take more responsibility than the parents or the fucked up channel who apparently was too evolved to bother creating a reality where fourteen year old boys did not carry their channel's and their parent's and their culture's shame, has been my life in a world where "victims are not welcome" and "you should get out of your self pity."

You made a number of choices that brought me to my knees of basic survival and core pain:

You did not tell your wife or HAI and made me an enemy.

You escalated a romantic relationship during a point when I lacked critical judgment.

You were late for our first session.

You pushed me to triple my dose of mushrooms and pushed me to add MDMA.

You didn't ask any useful questions up-front.

You did not apologize or unpack the abuse that I opened our session with, choosing to repeat it.

You refused to give me clarity in our personal relationship.

You influenced me strongly to pursue one of the most traumatizing romantic relationships in my life and took zero responsibility.

You refused to open my gifts graciously.

You refused to attune to most of my needs.

You ignored my request to help me integrate for nine months.

You blocked my requests to take money out of a romantic relationship you escalated.

You did not include me in your choice to ignore my e-mails, lying and pretending there was "no boundary" when I asked why.

You ran me around in every possible way.

You took me, with a protocol of abuse that is staggering into the darkest places within my psyche that I have ever been. And then you blamed me, abandoned me and shamed me for ending up where you led me, hiring ass holes to tell me that I should be done with it, that "you need to do your own work," and further controlling communication. And when I had no choice but to report your bizarre and unprofessional behavior, all your peers jumped right on the bandwagon with more lies, communication controls and violations of trust that will make the skin on a jury or any licensed therapist crawl. And you leave me there, telling me again how much you love me, while needing two days to think about whether or not you will pay for any of the somatic therapy you are giving yourself but don't feel is appropriate to proactively offer to me. This is humiliation beyond the pale. I cannot put it into words. This culture does not want to hear it, preferring to call me a "whiner" and remind me that I should be "positive" as it's cop out. I have to listen to Melinda Anderson saying "I can't be bothered to read your e-mail but I wish you well," and other people saying "I don't have time for this but just forgive everyone and all will be well." This is the B.S. you teach your community. And it leaves me completely and utterly alone in a reality that you have not got the balls or human dignity to honor with a public apology or any effort to own. My own brother tells me that he will never understand what went on or how this affects me because he does not have time to watch my videos. Your hundreds of unethical choices have created a reality for me that zero people fully understand, and in which I get punished for trying to articulate. If that is not enough, I get the message that while it is not worth a dime of HAI's money to give me support, or give us support with objective mediation, it is worth $1,500. to try and shut down the website that is my last chance to try and be seen, heard, understood, cared about and to protect others from the same fate. It's "not a HAI issue" that a therapist induce psychosis in their client, but it is a HAI issue to spend money to shut that client deeper into invisibility.

This is evil. It is wrong. It is barbaric. It is cruel and it is completely unnecessary. Your ignorance, fear and self-centeredness has hurt you, your family, your community, your country and your client. All because you did not want to make a mistake and own it when it would have taken five minutes of wisdom at the right time to own. You could have changed all of this. But you came first. And you call yourself a healer. I don't see healing. I don't see it from Lynda, who chooses to duck this along with each of you. I don't see it in the community, who chooses to pay money to learn about love but not stand up for community by protecting the dignity of ANY sexual abuse survivor. As soon as we get into a reality where "I will protect this person's dignity from sexual abuse because I like them, but I never really liked Dane so he's expendable," we are back in Nazi Germany where one person's human right is valued because of skin color and race and the other is not. I am a misfit in most communities. And a culture's mettle is determined by the dignity, humanity and character by which it treats it's minorities. HAI ought to know that more than any organization, as it ought to know that the first step of any power structure seeking unhealthy dominance is to silence the voices and dissociate the humanity of it's minorities. You, Peter, are not a misfit. You represent the top 10% of popular personality traits in a culture that likes humor, surface, brevity and charm. And it is the way that the top 10% in any power structure honor the bottom 10% in any power structure that determines the direction of any culture towards evil or evolution.

I have felt unbearable sadness about the tragedy of pulling rank with you, Peter. You - none of you - can survive in court and I have known that for years. It is the easiest thing in the world to show your incompetence, stupidity and gross criminal negligence. It is not hard to show up your self-centeredness and lack of regard for someone you thought you could bully into silence and blame for your faults. That is easy. And yes, all of you will show up for days at a court-house to avoid being thrown in jail but would not show up for one terrified child induced into trauma by a host of bizarre and dangerous re-enactments of abuse. I hoped against hope that a single person at HAI would do the right thing, apologizing publicly, teaching the team about trauma, offering a belated apology to me, or including me as facilitators de-mask from their shadow and find their true essence around this issue. The moment I see you in court your character and courage - your opportunity to demonstrate that you can do and want to do the right thing on your own, because it's the right thing to do is gone forever. You have failed. HAI has failed. Your value to the community goes down in terms of counting on you to ask for help when you need it and put an innocent above yourself. That does not mean your popularity will go down. Hitler rose to power, as did Trump on the platform of blaming minorities and I've already witnessed Brianna C. stomping out of the room at a support group after I asked for help to deal with your abuses. This is the team you have trained - where the stand is not for protecting those harmed by your incompetence but is "No more of this sensitive stuff and victims seeking attention." Vote for Trump. He will take you faster towards your world. Vote for Hillary. She will get you there faster then Bernie.

The second mature definition of "Being Loving" is attunement to the other: "What do you need, want, prefer that makes you feel deeply and fully loved?" Both you and Anne and Jason have all pledged your love. Do you know that not one of you ever asks what feels loving to me? Does it even occur to you that being loving is not about you? It is about the other (adult love, rather than falling in love which is all about what I want and often does not even bother to ask if the object of love enjoys or wants the attention)! For you to be loving has nothing to do with how you feel or the reality you want to imagine is my reality. It has to do with me. And the very first step of attuning to anyone in order to love them is to listen, proactively and responsively to what makes them feel loved. Every request I made would have helped me feel safer, more loved and more honored. Every e-mail you ignored left me feeling unloved. Every request you blocked, argued with and refused left me feeling more unloved. And I feel completely insulted that you think that your statement that "I love you" obliviates my entire experience. Every time you tell me that you love me, while refusing to do, say, or honor the things that make me feel loved, which happen to correspond with the things that help me believe that I will be able to survive in the reality you want to exist, that I will be safe and secure in my survival, that who I am including my truths will be honored and welcome in that reality, and that I will feel good about myself and be able to express myself because who I am is not a threat that is shamed and feared by others, the more loved I feel.

But the reality you advocate has no room for my safety, security, love or self-esteem. It's a reality where massive negligence goes underground, where I am isolated, blamed and punished for your mistakes, and where I will never have my deepest pains apologized for and where I will be asked to believe in a world that has the people who do this to me being too busy to respond because they are teaching workshops about "love" and "healthy relationships." That is a world of grief for me, a world of insanity, a world of loneliness and a world of lies and unscientific treatment of my feelings, my body, my money and my mind. It is evil. The court case is necessary because of your level of narcissism: Because at the end of it, while it is doubtful that I will get paid, knowing your tactics and pleas of poverty, despite your many extravagances and I may have to sue you all over again as individual people who pretend that they don't control where all the money goes within HAI, is that a therapist that YOU pay for and a Jury that is freely selected has a 30% chance at the end of the trial, and the many sexual abuse survivors in this country have a 75% chance from the documentary of understanding what it's like to be in the position you have put me in, with your influence. And I want to make very clear in that documentary that trusting an incompetent therapist is not something to be ashamed of. Because I've felt the shame of realizing that I participated, hook-line and sinker with every one of your insulting messages towards your own feminine and towards everyone else's. We will not have a healthy world until those who assume the masculine position of leadership lead in such a way that honors, protects and is blessed by the feminine in both men and women. That is when we will treat the earth with respect. And that is when we will survive.

Your behavior and HAI's behavior around so many areas of this situation have de-evolved me, taking me back into the reptillian era when no one could or was trusted, and fight/flight/freeze offered the best chance of survival. James Hillman suggests that it's good to explore the traumatic response one always avoids. For me that is fighting. I have never fought a bully in my life. So I'm fighting you. On behalf of all the insulted feminine, all the sensitives who are discarded and who HAI cannot bother to honor by recommending the books or inviting it's community to take the test. On behalf of all the millions of children and men and women who have been sexually abused and then blamed for that abuse, I fight you, Peter Sandhill, and I fight the school who chose, you trained you, and perpetuated your blind spots, mistaking increased physical sex for the love and intimacy that requires far more training and insight to co-create and perpetuate. I fight you. And the little boy in me who you have terrified and abandoned, along with the HAI community, feels a small measure of hope that someone is willing to be a King to protect him. And the little girl in me is hopeful that she will finally matter. I asked you to be that King for me, Peter, and you ran away like so many dead-beat dads in this country. You do not have the right to occupy that role. I will be my own King because no man in this country has ever stepped up for me. And for those who watch this fight, I hope it gives them a clue as to where to find their own battle and how to fight it in a country that does not want to see it's shadow any more than you!

The third form of love references the paradigm of integration, leading to integrity and dis-integration, leading towards death. This form of love is environmental. There is much debate about whether human nature in the abstract or human nurture (the environment) leads us to be who we are. It is one of many either/or debates that miss the point: that both play a key role. The role of nurture, or environment determines almost everything when intersected when Maslow's hierarchy of needs. In a healthy environment there is no need to lie, change personality, hide, or betray someone in order to meet one's needs to survive, feel secure in that survival, feel loved and belonging, and to have a sense of self-esteem and individuated self-actualization. A healthy environment honors the full self and as a result individuals are integrated.

The garden of Eden is a myth about taboo. Curiosity and knowledge of good and evil were banished from the garden, so when human curiosity led to eating the fruit, the people lied so as not to be banished. When any part of us is viewed as garbage, as something to be scape-goated and shamed so that "the community," or family can dis-own it as an unwelcome guest, then there is a pull within the individuals in that environment to dis-own this part of themselves, or hide it if in the process of trying to fight who they are, their shadow becomes bigger than their conscious identity and starts directing their choices. A man who can talk about his sexual abuse and physical abuse as a child without shame and a man who can talk about his sexual fascination with children without fear, has a chance to understand and honor the cross-wired messages of love and violence that were placed in him as a boy. A man with unresolved trauma who cannot deal with the trauma or understand it will be dominated by it, and by the coping mechanisms that lead him to avoid facing the traumatic well, thus becoming trapped in an inter-generational sexual abuse cycle.

When little Jenny's father decides to have an affair and Jenny asks about it, an unhealthy father will enlist Jenny to keep his secret, betray the mother together and tear Jenny's love apart by giving responsibility for the marriage to his daughter. "Don't tell your mother or it will break her heart," makes Jenny responsible for the fact that the father does not care enough about either Jenny or his wife to not have the affair in the first place. From this moment on, Jenny cannot win. Her father has betrayed her to a reality where she loses if she tells and loses if she is silent, because her father defines loyalty as keeping his lies secret and her mother defines loyalty as telling the truth. Jenny needs a mother and a father, and she needs to learn how to honor a partner. She loses her mother to the secret, the father to the betrayal, and does not learn anything healthy about honoring love. If this were the only violation it would be bad enough at ripping her heart in two. But it's rarely that simple. Jenny must carry the hypocrisy of this family member, the secret binging of her mother to cope with the affairs, the shame of the sexual abuse from her brother's porn collection she walks in on and dad's secret. And she must be silent when the marriage that falls apart is blamed on her - because "it wasn't this bad before we had the kids." Jenny learns one thing: "If only I could die, all of these problems would go away. My parents are wonderful. They know best. I should die."

You regressed me to four years old, promising to be a father and take a stand that no man has ever taken. Then you asked me to keep your secrets from HAI and Sarah. You took away my ability to protect myself by insisting on high doses of ego-inhibiting compounds and then abandoned me in every possible way, while pretending that you were the hero, knew what you were doing and loved me. There is zero way for me to win in that environment. Zero. Either I tell my truth and you abuse and shame me, something I could not deal with after falling in love with you. Or you abandon me and call it love and further cross-wire me on the meaning of love. Or I betray the one I need and love to get the help you refused to offer. I split right down the middle, terrified and crazy, hurt, angry and desperate, as you all joined into the betrayal. Now you split me again, asking me to choose between the positive aspects of HAI which I value and the sociopathic elements of HAI which harm everyone, including you. There is no need for secrecy in a healthy environment. The fact that you have all gone to great lengths to discourage, hide, shut down, control communication, blame and shame me for my feelings is the measure of health in the environment. If you cannot offer an environment in which everyone can know what happened and all emotions and truths are welcome at the table, with honor, including my needs for an apology and for changes to increase the safety for others, then the problem is the environment. It is also America, because it is quite possible that even with all of it's insanity that HAI is healthier than the average American family. It seemed to be compared to my family. But America is so unhealthy that rather than wonder why so many Americans paid money to become part of HAI's culture and clean up it's own act, it is likely to point a finger at HAI, while denying the fact that if America was healthy there would be no market for HAI workshops - the healthy parts of HAI would be taught in high school.

Ever since you told me you had not told Sarah and started arguing with what I said, felt and asked for I felt ambivilance: one part wanting one man to finally love and take a stand for me, and another not liking your behavior in increasing waves. The danger is that, like a child, I did not have options. Once trusting you to take the substance in a culture like ours you had a monopoly on the ability to understand it and help me make sense of it. You were not ready to hold that responsibility, but you assured me that you were. You trapped me in a dependency you then punished me for having. The facilitators did the same, rather than hiring an independent trauma therapist and telling me and then that HAI was eager to hear all feelings, make changes and learn from the experience and thanking me for coming for them, HAI, through Anne, again used my need to be loved and belong and feel safe to steer me away from safety for all concerned, deeper down the road of delusions and secrecy. Anne has turned her protective mother-bear energy towards me to protect HAI. Felicia has turned her scorn and arrogance towards me, clear that no "up start is going to mess with my world." Peter R. turned his stone ears towards me, refusing to feel and to hear me. You turned your rage and fear and disgust at me that I did not keep your secret. Jason, did what he was told, afraid of being punished. The board watched. I was asked to turn inwards on myself to cover your shame. It's not love. It is the division of the self. If you do not mend the pattern, it will tear your community apart down the same line, the same way Trump is tearing the country apart. When a leader lies and seems to hold promises of esteem, love, belonging, security and survival, people will follow that leader blindly until they are as betrayed as the folks in Scotland who never got what they were promised either. It is essential in my view of intelligence to correlate the national and international outcomes we abhor with the personal practices we sanction, particularly when those practices are unscientific, shady and done by us and our cronies. I do not expect intelligence from the HAI community because I'm not getting any when I bring this to every workshop participant and every team-member. Most are afraid of being found out by you and advise keeping it all secret. That's quite a community you have raised. I don't expect Trump supporters to be more intelligent than HAI team members and facilitators. The country tears in half when the leadership lacks the ability to transcend it's own traumatic defense protocol and the good news is that you can own that, if you want to. You can see what you, Peter Sandhill, are doing that leads to highschool shootouts, terror, loneliness, lies, betrayal and a divided country. The pattern is the same. You fortunately have less influence than Trump or your cowardice would see you dividing the country as effectively as he is.

This does not make you better or worse than anyone else. The problem is that you think you are better than others. You think you know better than your wife and HAI facilitators. You think you know better than your patient. You think you know better than the team agreements. You think that you are far more competent than you are. That's the problem. And it is for that reason that I take the time to shed light on this pattern - to make it easier for your Self to penetrate the web of lies you live by. Those lies are your enemy, not the people. The protocols you have followed are evil, not you. You must discern between those two and stop clinging to things that don't work, and start embracing the humility of the Unknown, where She has always resided in the sea of miracles, possibility and healing. She is always there, and like a gameboard that is tired, is tilting the board you like to play on into the box, because a larger world waits just outside the game. This culture would have me apologize for such insights, which grace me like flowers with a sweet scent, but to do so would be to dishonor the most beautiful of gifts. I'm grateful when She touches me with her beauty for a moment here and there, and that I'm not so bound up in my culture that I block her all the time in all ways to please others. That is the greatest split of all: Our culture demands: BE NORMAL! Be like us. And by the way, there is no space, no room for your grace, beauty and love of Goddess here. CHOOSE! Between your human needs to survive, feel secure and belong and be respected, and your awareness that this culture is trash and debris in the presence of a possibility field that is awe-inspiring in it's beauty. There is no split between our relationship with God/Goddess and the world, rather our culture asks us to split between belonging in a sick culture and not seeing either our spirituality or the world as it turly is or being cast out and hurt by the many who go along with lie that the cultural patterns of action, thought and perception ARE reality. They are not much more than a tepid version of skimmed milk, and the power of it all waits just outside the edge of blinders trained to see mediocrity. I am a baby, figuring out how I can connect with it all without being beaten, hated, killed and attacked all my life for the things I see that don't fit anyone's boxes. You have not helped me, to see, Peter. You gave me small boxes that made you feel safe and avoided me, like most but the most secure and self-loving have always done. I threaten you for many reasons, but you could never tell me about your fear or be kind enough to be small and ask for help. I could have told you all of this gently and kindly if you had asked. You ran away. I asked to teach you gently. You hid in lies and busyness. I asked for your vulnerable open-mind. You asked for your job back and when I advocated for you, you ran away again. You will face me in death or in life because there is no distinction between us at some point. You will face me because I stand in a part of you who loves you more than you do, that you cannot face, so you try and destroy and discredit.

I have the unenviable task of learning to differentiate between my big self and small self, my feminine and masculine, my truths and illusions, and my truths and the lies I still carry for others so that I might be safe from their attacks. In a world that obsesses about the pathology of the self, listing more than 5,000. forms of mental/emotional pathology, I must also differentiate between being "crazy" to avoid feeling the pain in my body, "crazy" to fit into a crazy world others call "normal" and "crazy" to fit into Peter's world where is constant betrayals and abandonments are really "love" and crazy to fit into Sarah's world where her husbands interests are not in alignment with his client's interest and Anne's world where her "baby" HAI is somehow threatened by the truth of HAI's client, but not by her student's gross criminal negligence. There are a lot of crazy's to sort out, and given the amount of fear, hostility and rage I've met for expressing what I see and feel, beginning with two versions of crazy in two different parents, I'm not sure I'm up for more rage, hostility and fear being hurled at my little boy who can't figure out why seeing things clearly is more dangerous to almost everyone than being insane. My teachers were scared and outraged at Waldorf school when I pointed things out, so I left school. No one liked that, but they could not tell me why studying yoga, meditation, creative writing, grounded imagination and ecological systems for free in my room was worse than paying $5,000 a year to learn skewed history, French, German, sports and algebra in a highly inefficient manner was better. I have been told all my life that I am strange, intense, threatening and unatural because I do what makes sense and it helps me succeed. Every therapist I talked to told me to forget about HAI and "move on," in the classic American tradition. I chose to stay with my psychosis and honor each of my feelings and perception and emerge with a PHD in psychology if I can find anyone qualified to enter the geometric domains that have taught me symmetry, healing and balance, and helped me see my place as an ego, as a self, a soul and an energy field of possibility. So much for "keeping positive." You ran away after I took you there for 10 seconds, preferring to run from your self rather than own your larger self. You have lost big, but also nothing. The bigness that you are will wait for you to exit the traumatic state and touch it. You must learn to see or you will always be scared of me. It's not the words that matter, or the metaphors, but the landscape of your own psyche that you have been robbed of by the fear and rage of your adolescent wound. They cannot see. They are lost. The grief is too great. No one will hold you there. No one will see the helplessness. Not these folks. Not at this time and place. But it's a pretty big universe, and most of all possibility is out there, limited only by your imagination. But that's for you to discover. My job is to startle you out of your hiding place, which I hope to succeed at over the next three years. We are all connected. If I succeed with you, I will have helped a bit of myself. My mistake has been avoiding the rage that comes from your fear, and thinking patience was kindness. You need help and you don't know where to go. I will bring you back to enough pain and reality where you can start getting your bearing. (This a conversation with a probability field that is a part of you that I see, not necessarily anything healthy for you to bother with. I simply don't know. I see things and allow them to come out, with awareness that most of the time it terrifies people and they hate me, and that it is the gentlest part of me that sees these things and feels peace.)

With anger, compassion, sadness, hurt and rage,

Dane

PS: Some trauma survivors are fortunate and experience post-traumatic growth. I have created that fortune for myself, with help, luck and sheer determination to explore many options:

1) I am now married to the second woman I met after the disaster of your psychic predictions about Wipa. The marriage directly ties into what I learned from this experience. Taking note of exactly how you had induced PTSD in me, I was able to to the opposite with my wife, which is why she is my wife. Apologizing more than 1,000 times, taking full responsibility for my impact, asking her to write out her life-history prior to me making any moves or being sexual, being helpful with her trauma and not asking for anything in return (being the king that was too much bother for you to be), showing sensitivity where you did not, patience where you were impatient, never lying once and responding to all her communication immediately and in detail, she was able to experience a 400% increase in happiness and a 4,000% increase in life-skills, making me the very lucky husband of an amazing woman. It's a bit like the way I learned from my parents. I've never lied to anyone because my mother lied and blamed those she lied to (a bit like you) and my father never admitted doing anything wrong and blamed his children for the worst traits in them that he would systematically induce (a bit like you) it allowed me to at least avoid their mistakes.

This also brings a key point into focus: I did not take this level of responsibility for creating the love I wanted in my 30 HAI lover-relationships, influenced by your definition of "loving me" at the end of work in 1993. Using HAI's protocol I focused on asking for my 100% (something that was not very useful with HAI since each of you ignored altogether any request you did not want to respond to, not even bothering to say "no" to such things as my request that you bring in an outside therapist so that I did not have to exhaust myself repeating my words).

I could of course jump on the bandwagon of the HAI narrative: "We love you and did everything in our power to love you and you are just not getting it." But that reality would leave me asking my wife to see that all my abuses and shame were "loving her and she was not getting it," which would leave me failing as I have failed with every HAI relationship under your tutelage. You cannot have a mission of a world where everyone wins using a protocol where everything and everyone but the agenda of avoiding your shadow loses.

You have sold out your soul, your mission, your money, your marriage and your trust to protect your shadow. This is what addicts do. But you have nothing to teach of value from that position, and cannot practice the truths you teach. The many loyal HAI team-members who have caught your and our culture's viruses are failing in ways they do not understand. I have met ragged team-members with over 100 workshops under their belt who are no closer to love, and a lot more worn down. You dishonor them by pretending that they are not doing it right, rather than owning responsibility for the many gaps in your curriculum that you neither address or refer people to elsewhere. Instead you leave people going round and round, not even bothering to define what "love," is, while professing to teach it.

It's not black our white - and that's also the danger. I had some of my best moments in life inside HAI. But they were destroyed by the virus carried by every facilitator in this area, first given to me by my own parents, who asked me to re-wire my brain to call their ignorance, fear, shame and needs to avoid their shadow "love." This prepared me for you, who in turn made life so bad I had to die or break the contract. The terrified child would rather die than offend mommy and daddy in many cases. My child has tried to kill me when I moved towards confronting HAI's abuse cycle. This is the responsibility of therapists: to own the sacred trust that every patient must give in order to do the work, and to know that their patient will seek to give them the other side of the contract bond which could endanger that client's life. You nearly killed me with your fear, rage and hatred in the "session" in which Felicia was too untrained to treat me as a survivor of therapeutic abuse and chose to treat us as a couple, blocking my efforts to direct the session and then insisting that you had half of the time to make me feel worthless and unwanted, the very thing you had done to bring us to that point. This is why I know HAI has a problem, rather than Peter has a problem. Every facilitator has violated basic ethics and made things worse, in one way or another, and apparently either does not get it or does not care enough to apologize. Who needs teachers of healthy relationships like that?

I got the message that you would rather I died than bring your shadow to light. And it is the awareness of how close I came to dying on more than three ocasions, during whih you showed more concern for your tattered version of the truth than your patient's needs or experience that leaves me believing that you must cooperate with a complete transformation of this abuse cycle or be tried for probable murder. You are capable of that and I heard you loud and clear. You would never have the balls to actually be seen killing someone. But your shadow would murder me in a heartbeat if you could pretend to yourself that you were innocent. And that is the nature of the wound you have given me, compounding the hatred that both my parents had for the same part of me: the feminine that sees them and you, in dark and light.

A bit more about murder... Despite telling me that in your process with Peter Rengel you went through terrain in which you wanted to kill me and in which you wanted to die, you are likely blocking out the many ways you have acted and refused to act that directly lead to a probability of murder, along with every other facilitator and board-member. So I will break it down for you.

I told you in one of my calls to you that I found myself in a probability field where there was 10% chance I would die (I nearly did and it's quite remarkable that I have not). I said there was a 10% chance I would go insane. I have gone 30% into a psychotic break and have not yet fully recovered. I told you that there was a good chance, based on my body's responses that I would lose years of my life, a chance that I would go bankrupt. I believe that if you take 100 American men in my generation who are heterosexual and put them through the protocol outlined in the "symptoms" page in which I detail 80% of my HAI traumas, that 10 of them will end up dead, 30% will go crazy and 70% will become addicted to something unhealthy and less than 5% will come out healthier then they began. Those are terrible odds. And what they mean is that if you had 100 Dane's to influence ten of them would be dead right now. That's probable murder. I have addressed Collen Kasbab's probability field, and did not have enough information to deal with the suicides of two other HAI participants, but am clear that HAI has failed it's community by insisting on protocols that hurt the community rather than attuning itself to a commitment that "No one dies of suicide at HAI! Period." Tony Robbins makes that commitment and claims to have succeeded 100% over the same period. But apparently a world where everyone wins is not a world where every HAI participant lives. If there was a HAI with such a commitment there would be a protocol for when a HAI participant states they will kill themselves on Norcal Announce. There is: Silence. "We could give a damn. We are only your facilitators committed to everyone winning."

The threats to my life which I have communicated on more than one occasion include:

a) Failure to drive safely and getting into many near-accidents because I could not be present in my body with the level of pain you left me in.

b) Chronic fatigue reaching adrenal callapse level in which I could not move much for months.

c) Inability to work, raising anxiety about money, which I burned through.

d) Stating to every facilitator: "You are hurting me more than 1000 times more than I think you realize."

You and every facilitator chose to say nothing and do nothing to respond to these urgent messages of abuse. You chose to actively disobey key therapeutic directives concurrent with your roles.

Just ask yourself: If I, Peter Sandhill, wrote an e-mail to the community saying: "I have been involved with an abuse cycle with one of our community, who trusted me enough to hire me to learn about healthy relationships, only to be hurt on two occasions. In both cases I escalated a romantic relationship, did not show sensitivity, violated my marital and HAI agreements, and in this case endangered his life. I am an addict with blind spots and it's been hard to see my own shadow. The facilitators are enabling this abuse cycle right now by pretending that this is not a HAI issue. It is of course the most important HAI issue around. My first and primary responsibility as a paid healer is to insure Dane's safety, something I am not personally fit to do as I deal with addiction withdrawal symptoms. I need help finding a competent therapist for my client who understands trauma and sexual abuse. In the mean time I am very sorry to this community for letting it down by not walking my talk and by not securing adequate training to protect my client from my own abuse-survivor wounds. Please give Dane all the love and support that he has every right to respect from us at the facilitator body, but which we find ourselves too bound to our own fears to give. I will not be teaching or doing therapy until I can make sure that I can put my client's first. I am very very sorry. This was not Dane's fault and I take full responsibility for my ignorance, blind spots and self-centeredness, and the ways this has hurt someone who trusted me to be vulnerable."

What do you think would have happened in my world if you had had the courage to write this e-mail? You would have been the first man in my life who put my life above protecting his addictions and agendas. And it would have been life-changing to feel safe and cared for, rather than blamed and hidden from view like a dirty rag.

Though you are too selfish to ask "what would you like here" and perhaps lack the training to realize, it would have given me the very community support I needed to avoid PTSD. It would tell me that I was finally safe with you. It would possibly have given the other facilitators the courage to stop burying my truth and me in the delusion that this would protect themselves and you. I say "delusion" because I have never sued anyone in my life or been sued, despite doing millions of dollars of business as a contractor for 25 years, and had zero interest in suing HAI when this came up. Even now it is a 60% pro sue inner vote and 40% "I don't want to deal with the hassle of our legal system and all the trauma that will bring up" vote. The deciding 30% is that you have shown me, impersonally, exactly how you treat the people you abuse, and I've seen it twice with you Peter and online by another HAI participant. The stories of abuse and trauma within the community are rampant. For Jason Weston to say that "Trauma is not a focus of HAI" is like Greenpeace saying "Global warming, garbage, pollution and deforestation are not a focus of Greenpeace." It's willfull ignorance at it's worse and so I'm doing this for the next innocent you lure in and trash.

It would have led HAI to a much needed process of house-cleaning it's protocols. It also would have, assuming you actually believed any of this, set me on a path of getting paid help to repair the damage that would have avoided the need for me to sue HAI to regain visibility, honor and dignity in my own eyes. As it is, you continued to endanger my life, along with every other facilitator which told me in no uncertain terms: "You are going to either have to accept a cruel and painful lie on top of this abuse or your are going to have to break your contract with the abuser and sue your therapists, mentors, teachers and become the enemy of the community who, much like my siblings when I tried to confront my parents, are too scared of losing physical support from their abuser to face the truth. You would have set me, yourself and HAI free from the burden of your narcissism and left your community stronger. But you refuse to do this. You ask, instead, for your traumatized client to develop PTSD so that you can avoid losing face publicly and do many other basic simple things that any trained therapist could guide you towards if you had the humility to ask for help, rather than hire cronies to tell me this was all my fault and "had nothing to do with me."

You created a probability field through your actions and inactions that endangered other people's lives and has made it necessary to sue the organization that chose, trained and recommended you without caveat, and then failed to take any responsibility for your mess. You are a liar, a murderer and a coward, when it suits you, and it is not through you, but despite you that I have recovered to the degree that I have. I may never trust another therapist in my life - a handicap courtesy of your stupidity and the fact that I must own that I choose you to trust and therefore cannot trust myself to pick from among the handful of competent therapists out there.

You could have worked hard to find such a therapist for me and offered to pay for it - communicating again that you valued me and wanted me to live. But you chose not to. Nor did you offer any money or check on my finances. In a thousand different ways over more than a decade your message has been: "You can suffer and fail in relationship for all I care because I value my false sense of competency more than I value your success in the areas I presume to teach."

I have failed. Over and over again because of that attitude. A true teacher sacrifices their defenses to protect their student's odds of success. You sacrifice your students to protect your ego. Don't worry about what I say. give this letter to trained reputable trauma therapist who does not need your validation or money and ask them to show you how you set people up to fail. They can do so. Even I can do so. But do you want to see it? Even a little? Is it worth a few dollars to you to understand how you destroy soul, innocence and beauty to protect your shame from coming to light? If it was you would have spent that money by now and it would not be your abused client having to waste their time protecting others from you - you would be doing your job.

Continuing with my post-traumatic growth...

2) I now have my own 501c3 Non-Profit to fund the various work I have begun documenting my own recovery and making that freely available on youtube and other places. It's a 20 year project and is a big area of learning. I learned from HAI how to run a non-profit into the ground with willful ignorance and lies and I believe that will help me avoid many of HAI's mistakes and empathize when people I serve are upset because I fail to achieve my mission many times.

3) My acute awareness that 20% of Americans are in as much or more pain than I am has led me to want to do much more to help. The books I am writing are now able to incorporate PTSD, trauma, sexual abuse and regressed childhood memories, as well as the positive and destructive use of psychedelics. All of my media is free, except for paper copies of books, and I'm aware that if I keep this focus up I'll be an effective presenter in the next 5-10 years of constant practice.

4) I have grown more in a way that is necessary just to survive this ordeal. Pain and terror are great teachers. When no other human teachers who are safe and healthy have shown up and I have been flooded with pain and terror since bringing this to the HAI facilitators, my need to integrate all I'm learning has led me to make 800 hours of video on 10 different channels and counting. In the process I am learning skills needed to be effective at a positive advocate for abuse in our culture.

5) The documentary I am working on about this whole psychic terrain and the many unconscious ways children and adults are abused will be freely available and may lead to new avenues of communication I cannot currently imagine.

6) Disappointed not only with your therapy, but with Anne's and many of the other therapists I have tried, I am including therapists around the world in what I am learning. I was recommended to HAI by one of my therapist, who also did not diagnose childhood trauma or teach me to deal with it in all of his work (like many therapists, he just listened, showing no masculine wisdom to direct me towards a championing of my feminine). If you read the experiences I have had at HAI in the www.AbuseAtHumanAwarenessInstitute.org section on medicine you will see that I have been dealing with trauma in the community ever since I trusted all of you to give it a try.

My goal is to help at least 1,000 people avoid and/or healthily respond to trauma. Since there is no monetary amount that can possibly compensate for the hell I have endured in your care, I hope you transcend your own ego at some point enough to where you study, learn discipline and start using your full influence to heal others. That's where you will find the love you cannot find because you destroy it before it can reach you.

The way that I see it you are 1/3rd healthy, loving core, 1/3rd confused and terrified and trying to look good by not being seen in your terror, and 1/3rd chauvinistic and a bearer of our culture's wounds and blind spots. Your core has suffered enormously in response to every one of your blind spots and has felt the pain you cause others and avoid feeling. Your confused terror seeks belonging from those without the skill and character to put doing the right thing first, colluding with the reenactment of your own largely invisible wounds. HAI did not support you in healing because you are surrounded by those with the same wound. You pivot on trying to look good until you feel safe, so you have to find people who know your shadow so you can look good by finding real support.

You are a carrier of many of our cultures diseases. They are not yours. But right now you honor your diseases and blind spots more than you honor your self and the facilitators at HAI carry the same virus. (As an aside, I'm in no way distinguishing myself from you in any way other than that I'm glad I did not think I was ready to take money for things I have not learned yet.) You betrayed what is good in me to protect your shadow. You betrayed your self at the same time. Now that I see your shadow, I see more of my own. You cannot help anyone see their shadow until you are ready to be seen. Everything you have told me about all your relationships leads me to believe that you are destroying them by dishonoring the sacred feminine in every one, including your son, who is healthier than you are to my eyes, but very possibly burdening himself with your blinders to make you feel better, since that is what you ask everyone to do for you and punish them by withdrawing passive-aggressively when they do not.

The way you travel around, have many lovers and communicate in no uncertain terms that you have other options, while actively denying the many harms you cause when someone brings them up, is a form of hostility. I have witnessed you bribing them and steering them away from seeing you as you put you first. This is a nut-job you will do on your son the same way my parents did to me (I chose you because you were like them including the fact that they convinced everyone around us that they were perfect and their children were the real problem).

Your wife and your son deserve to know that they are the most important people in your life. I would not have known that at all if I was your son. You did in fact promise to take an absolute stand for me "like Gandalf in the mines of Moria," and lied and betrayed that stand even before you promised it by making me an enemy of your wife and HAI by keeping secrets - a complete betrayal of the therapeutic ethic.

You think your father was so great and told me so. So where exactly is the evidence? He was your core template for honoring the feminine in himself, in you and in your mother. You treated my feminine like shit and were completely blind to the fact. That tells me more about your father than your delusions, just as your actions every day you don't graciously offer a full refund and start behaving like a man tell the story of the chauvinism that is dripping from every relationship you touch. Go ahead and tell the court about how wrong I am and how much you love me. Explain to people who are licensed and trained how your version of reality is so much better than the rest of the therapeutic community!

My gift to you, though you will through it back as you have thrown back all my gifts, is to shine a spotlight on your behavior long enough for someone you trust to get a clear view of you. Then maybe you will have a chance to see the internalized wounds that are killing what you say you love. I must go through the same crucible in order to facilitate this and will likely be hated much more than you, given that my defense is control and pattern recognition in a culture obsessed about the freedom to get fat and watch 500 channels of shit. Your defense, according to you, is charm, which is gold in our culture and looks ever so much nicer until you examine the impact. So I will be hated, by you and by others, as I bring light to a pattern that is hurting you more than it hurts anyone else, but is hurting everyone. And I will be the misfit again in a culture that is not ready to hear about these wounds, because it's not ready to examine itself. But if I succeed your son may just get a dad worth having - or at least see you visibly abandon him to help him understand something he has known but not been safe to tell you: "Dad always comes first. His feelings are more important than my needs for more closeness than he wants to give me. He is the big one who does not make mistakes. I am the one who is inadequate." Study Bradshaw if you want to understand shame.

I wrote to every member of the facilitators in 1993 telling you about the super-human shame dynamic I saw throughout the HAI power-structure and not one of you could or would honor that letter in any way and chose to deny it. Why would you, learning from these people, be any different? I may read that letter in court because it is quite a challenge to help a jury to see what every American is forbidden to see: the shame and abuse in our midst in almost every family.

Moving into a metaphysical dimension: It's time, Peter, to face the pain and face the light. In death or in life, nothing is more painful than this wound of the loneliness that comes from denying and thus standing invisibly in this wound. I wish the part of you who can and will face this well. And I feel sorry for the addict who will pull out all the stops to blame everyone for the impact of your actions.

I will be learning from you constructively if you succeed. I will be learning what does not work if you duck and run again. Either way, I will be more aware as a result of meeting you in court. You mentioned in our first call that you might leave your family and go back to Australia if you were fired, almost as if they, as well as me, did not matter. It's always been about you whenever you take the lead in directing our time, from exploring how you could have sex with me at team workshop in an open relationship that would have been a disaster for my insecure attachment template, to explaining that you are ready to be done with hearing about your abuse in 1993 before unpacking it or apologizing.

When you love someone you honor your Self by putting the relationship ahead of your ego, understanding that the third energy is much bigger than the energy of you or them separately. You have never put your self in true service of the third energy because you are so enamored with your ego: that "great feeling of love inside that I have to give." I've never seen this great love you talk about. If you cannot give your life with joy to protect the innocence of another person you do not know the power of the third energy you destroy every time you betray a friend, wife or organization because "Peter knows best."

It was "less complicated" to tell Sarah the truth about our session, and presumably "less complicated" to inform the facilitator body. Yet both have a right to know when you are doing something that endangers all of their careers. You did not think so. This betrayal speaks about your level of maturity vs. performance. When you honor a value and sacrifice an addiction you honor your Self. When you honor a relationship and sacrifice an ego agenda you honor your Self. It is you betraying your Self that leads you to be so dangerous. It is your ability to mask that betrayal that makes you unfit for your role as therapist, relationship teacher, healer and community leader. When you are a man in these roles you will not nit-pick, proacrastinate, insult, dishonor and avoid these words of mine. The healer in you will discern between the delusions I carry and the beauty, goodness and truth that cares enough about you, HAI and the community to tell you these truths in a way you have to listen, when you refuse to own them proactively and take responsibility for your impact.

You have fought with my teacher every time it has offered you insight into your own shadow, while your shadow risked the lives of everyone you claim to love. That is the part of you that must die: not by hurting the adolescent that has no other option but to deny everything blindly in pain and rage, but to understand that it's your job to protect him from the harm of that level of blind rage, pain and denial by giving him as an adult another way to see that he is OK even though he carries diseases that all men who are born in our culture receive, that are hurting all involved. I have met your hot-blooded, raging adolescent, blind as a bat with a knife in his hand in many walks through imagination as I let images hold the presences sent to me by all the facilitators. He is in the forefront, while the king that you are is detached and less grounded. I have met your love, but never with the intensity of your rage and fear. As long as he runs the show you will do nothing but destroy everything you claim to honor and you will bring a community down with you.

You are a formidable opponent. You can kill anything you touch and would rather die than be wrong. It is just that the unique pattern of behavior has evoked the same part of me. So we will meet, either as light teachers who help others see what we carry as gifts, or as dark teachers who can serve as reminders of the capacity of a wound to destroy when it is not tended. It is not our nature to hide, so we will teach in our darkness and in our light, by reflecting back to a culture the wounds we have been given by that culture, and spelling them out in words that make them more visible to the primary sense this culture leaves un-maimed: the lineal left-brain. I will see you in light. You have about a year to either allow healing to enter you or to sculpt a weapon that can charm an entire courthouse into understanding how you were always acting for the best, and show them all the tears of remorse that you never once chose to share with me. When everyone else is more important than your feminine self, your little boy, then anyone in the position of the innocent feminine child will be treated with dishonor, as you have treated me and these parts of your self. I am committed to bringing your pattern to the therapeutic community, because too many therapists get into this work from a masked arrogance of superiority thinking they can "fix people" who are less then them. That simply drives the knife in. You are a danger to everyone of your clients, most of whom will not be able to see it because the message that "your feminine does not matter" is so ubiquitous in our culture.

The lightning bolt of the third energy between us, charged with mushrooms and MDMA was intense, beautiful and has transcendent potential. Your lies, guilts, anger, selfishness and lack of humility, combined with your chauvinistic stupidity dragged it down into pain, hatred, shame, rage that I was not equipped to deal with. Your self-loathing and hatred of the feminine led you to completely dishonor and disrespect it, going out of your way to treat me worse than any therapist has ever treated me and calling it all "love."

The third energy is more powerful than either person combined and you left me a choice of either abandoning that energy as you abandoned it before we began, or going into that hell. Yet that hell has also been a kingdom. Through reverse-engineering every one of your wounds I have learned how to love a more feminine woman than I have ever known, and see her grow into my queen. I am a budding king: willing to transcend a few bites of my own shadow to protect others and looking forward to more. And you, with your sneering blindness stand by helpless, while fighting my vision.

Electricity is energy: whether it destroys a city or powers a city has to do with the intelligence and space-holding of the electrician. In a culture such as ours we have powered cities, and doomed relationships - the inner energy cycles being ignored by those too uninformed to honor them, including every one of the HAI facilitators. Well, you have saddled a wounded therapeutic patient with an enormous charge you lack the character, training and courage to face and deal with responsibly. You lack the humility and grace to honor the part of you that was born in the innocence of the moment. And you lack the responsibility to channel that energy towards positive change.

Suing For Best Practices at HAI

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